i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
