Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
