i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want to make out with him forever
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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