Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
