Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
