There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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