You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
