I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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