Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
