Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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