You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
