You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
