I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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