so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i now understand why vodka
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
