I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize