Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
