Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
