Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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