Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
