I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
