I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
