Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
