The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
