OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
