I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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