I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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