May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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