remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize