I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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