We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
