im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
