P.S. I can't hear my feet
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
