my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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