I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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