while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize