i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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