I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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