There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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