My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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