I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
