I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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