Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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