Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and she was petting her beer can
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
