Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We left the knife in your bed.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
