I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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