My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
