The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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