maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
