Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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