Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
