Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize