I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
