I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
