I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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