sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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