The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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