just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
