I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
