No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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