every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
