and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
