I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize