I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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