I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
