News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nutella sex= disaster
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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